


i'm alive, i'm on fire

by RyanNew



Series: five times [1]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, F/M, Insomnia, OCD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-08
Updated: 2015-04-08
Packaged: 2018-03-21 19:49:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3703409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RyanNew/pseuds/RyanNew
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"jenna counts"<br/>"what do you mean, counts?"<br/>"she counts how many times i say stuff so i can stop on a multiple of five"<br/>"why cant you just stop?"<br/>"because it might not be a multiple of five. i couldn't stop without jenna. i need jenna. i love jenna."</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm alive, i'm on fire

**Author's Note:**

> okay, i'd like to make it known that the lowercase is intended. capital letters bug me because they look messy.
> 
> okay, so this is a fanfiction about ocd. it basically just takes tiny little things that i do and makes them more severe and involves research i've done on ocd. if there's any mistakes then tell me, obviously i don't have ocd myself so i can't make this as accurate as i'd like
> 
> (also this is a fanfiction for lizlit so if she's actually reading it then hey lil)

"tyler?"  
"yes?"  
"what are you doing?"

tyler hadn't realised that he was arranging his money on the table, but he was. it bugged him. english coins were... wrong. some of them were heptagons, and he didn't like it. if they couldn't be circular, why weren't they pentagons? pentagons make more sense. five sides, not seven. he liked multiples of five, and he didn't like that these weren't. he understood that nobody was doing it to personally upset him, but he couldn't handle the thought that they can't line up properly in his stacks of coins. he always stacked circular coins in size order. but there were only two kinds of heptagonal coins, twenty pence and fifty pence, so he couldn't make a separate heptagonal stack of five coins, and that upset him because he always had stacks of five and...

"tyler!"  
"yes?"  
"seriously, what are you doing? you keep zoning out."  
"i'm sorry."  
"you don't have to be... are you okay?"  
"not sure." that didn't work. "not sure. not sure. not sure. not sure. not sure. not sure. not sure."  
"ty!"  
"not sure. not sure." josh looked confused. "sorry."

he didn't mean to annoy josh. but he'd actually been able to count for once and he knew that he'd only spoken eight times and he had to say it ten times or it wouldn't have been a multiple of five and then his day wouldn't have worked because he would know that it was only eight and so everything else he did that day would have to be in eights, but the eights would be wrong but he wouldn't be able to think in multiples of five and everything would be slightly off because he always works in fives, not eights. if he worked in eights it would make him anxious and he wouldn't be able to sleep but then there would be no break between the two days and he would have to continue in eights tomorrow and the cycle would repeat itself and then...

he was disrupted from his mind anxiously running away with itself by josh's calm hands on his own shaking ones.

"ty, i think we should go back to the hotel. but first, i want you to try and calm your breathing, okay?"

tyler hadn't noticed he was hyperventilating until josh mentioned it, but he realised that between every one breath of josh's, he was taking three. it took a lot of effort for him not to quicken his breathing even more so it was five, but eventually he managed to match up to josh. he was tired, so tired, and didn't even like the idea of being awake but he had to be because he was in a cafe in a small town on the outskirts of manchester and he wasn't at the hotel so he couldn't sleep. even so, he rested his head on josh's shoulder and closed his eyes, making each breath last him five seconds.

"what can i do to make you feel better until we get back to the hotel?"  
"don't know."  
"well if you know what was making you uncomfortable, we can work round that."  
"actually i have an idea."

he went back to his stacks of money and pickup up the heptagonal coins. Eleven fifty pence pieces and nine twenty pence ones.  
"do you want the change, or...?"  
"no. just keep them. i don't want the. you can have them."  
"ty, this is almost ten pounds."  
"keep the change. can we go back the hotel now?"

josh called for a cab and less than twenty minutes later they were back. a few minutes later, tyler was dressed in his pyjamas, although it was only nine in the evening, and he'd washed his hair and his hands and he felt clean. he never really felt 'unclean' but towards the end of every day he felt compelled to wash his hands and hair because he worried that if he didn't, grease and dirt and germs would build up and the thought made him uncomfortable. so he did all that, his regular routine, and went through from the bathroom to the main room of the hotel and josh was sat cross legged on the bed with two cups of coffee and he knew that josh wanted to talk and that scared him.

"what was that before?"  
"what do you mean?"  
"you were really upset over... i don't even know, the coins? but i don't like you being upset, and if there's anything i can do, tell me, and i will."  
"i don't think there's anything."  
"what was upsetting you? do you know?"  
"it was the coins."  
"why?"  
"some of them are heptagonal."  
"and? they're just coins."  
"josh there's something i haven't told you and you've probably noticed things and this will probably explain them but i've been trying to tell you for a few years now and i haven't been able to and i hope you don't mind it but it's actually very hard to say and i promise that i am trying but-"  
"you don't have to say anything. if you like, you can just drink your coffee and go to sleep."  
"i want to tell you i just... josh, if you left an oven on and then went out for a whole day, would you stress about it?"  
"well... obviously, i guess."  
"why?"  
"well because, that would put my house and maybe people i love in danger."  
"and if you didn't know for a fact you had?"  
josh seemed confused, but answered anyway. "well i guess i'd still be worried. unless i knew for a fact it was off, i'd be scared something might happen."  
"well i'm like that every day. only about small things. like how many seconds it takes for me to walk across stage from my piano to you, but if those seconds aren't a multiple of five i get that feeling you get about maybe burning your house down."

josh obviously didn't get what tyler meant, so tyler continued. "and like, that was why the coins upset me. because with american money, i always make it into stacks, and they'll be in size order with five coins of different sizes in each stack. but with the heptagonal coins they aren't circular so they don't fit in with the size pattern and i don't like that."  
"why? like why do you do that?"  
"i got diagnosed with ocd seven years ago but honestly it's not severe and so i think i might just be weird."  
"if you have ocd then it'll probably be down to the ocd. do you get help for it?"  
"well i go to this therapist guy but he isn't very good and also he has four pens on his desk and there aren't five and so i can't look at his desk and i think he finds me annoying and also it's expensive so i'm thinking of stopping the sessions."  
"will that be good for you?"  
"i think so because i have things to help me."  
"what things?"  
"why do you ask so many questions?"  
"because i really care about you. you're my best friend and i want to make sure you're okay."  
"i used to do bad things but now i'm okay, i have you and i have music and i have my mom and the rest of my family and also i have jenna."  
"what does jenna do?" "jenna counts"  
"what do you mean, counts?"  
"she counts how many times i say stuff so i can stop on a multiple of five"  
"why cant you just stop?"  
"because it might not be a multiple of five. i couldn't stop without jenna. i need jenna. i love jenna."  
"you had a pretty bad day today, do you want to call her?"  
"later. i need to talk with you first if you don't mind?"  
"sure. about the ocd?"  
"yes. i want you to know me."

they carried on talking for a long time, and by midnight josh understood. well, he understood as well as tyler could explain because he really didn't understand his own mind enough. but josh knew about his need for things to be in fives, and he knew how he liked things to be in size order, and also how music was one of the only things where disorder was acceptable. music could be messy and free and disorganised because tyler made it that way and so it sounded wrong in the right way, and because he knew how to make it messy himself, he understood when other people made it messy. josh knew what tyler needed in order for things to seem right, and he knew that if jenna wasn't around then he would have to count when tyler repeated things, repeated things, repeated things, repeated things, repeated things.

it was midnight and the only thing left he had to do was call jenna. healways wanted to call her when he was away, but they'd agreed on once a day unless it was an emergency, which it rarely was.

"tyler!"  
"i told josh."  
"oh tyler, i'm so proud of you."  
"i'm proud of me too. i've been so scared o tell him. why was i scared, jen?"  
"it's okay to be scared, tyler. if you'd never been scared, your music would mean nothing. you love your music, lots of people do, and you being scared has made that happen."  
"i'm not scared of him knowing. i was, but i'm not."  
"i'm glad, ty. what time is it there?"  
"it's twenty five minutes past midnight and i miss you again."  
"i miss you too, tyler. i miss you a lot, all the time. are you doing okay there?"  
"i think so. i like what i'm doing, but i miss you and i kind of miss my mom as well."  
jenna chuckled. "she misses you too. and so do i."  
"i haven't taken my ssri's because he therapist said to take three a day and i can't take three a day because i need to take five but i can't take too many so i have to take none."  
"oh ty..." jenna loved him, he knew, and he knew it would upset her but he knew she had to know everything because she asked him to tell everything. "tyler, are you listening?" he'd zoned out again. "tyler, i know it's upsetting and i don't want it to make you feel anxious but please just take the pills? we can go back to the therapist and get the prescription redone so there's five but you have to take them, especially while you're away."  
"I wish you were here."  
"i wish i was too. tyler, they're the big pills, right? remember that time i cut one up into sections of five for you? do you think you can do that for yourself?"  
"no i can, i can, i can, i can, i can, -"  
"ty. that was five."  
"i know i'll be able to do that but i didn't want to because i could never get the sizes even. and i can do it if you want but jenna i just want to be at home i just want to be with you right now jenna please can i come home, i need to, please... please, please, please, please-"  
"tyler," she sighed again, "that was five, you need to calm down or you're gonna keep repeating. tyler, i love you, please calm down."  
he was hyperventilating almost, again. he calmed his breathing and tried again. "there's only three shows left, jenna please can i come home."  
"tyler i know you're having a bad day, but please calm down and think through. i can call you again, early tomorrow morning, okay? we can talk about it. but i think a lot of people would miss you if you called off the shows. get some sleep and think on it, alright?"  
"okay, i will."  
"i love you so much, ty. stay safe."  
"i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you,..." usually she stopped him after five. but she loved the sound of his voice, tyler knew, and she always kept him talking if he started repeating i love you. "...i love you, i love you, i love you, -"  
"twenty-five. that was twenty-five i love you's, tyler."  
"that's because i really, really love you."  
"stay alive."  
"promise."

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know if i like this to be honest. i haven't been able to write anything in m o n t h s (since december i think) and so this crappy little fic is the first think i've done in a while. it isn't great, but i think i did what i wanted with it. tell me if it was okay please, any constructive criticism is accepted. (also, i think i made tyler really out of character)
> 
> i was thinking of writing more stories with the same basic idea (tyler having ocd, jenna being awesome, josh being a ball of sunshine) so if that's a good idea let me know? and if i was completely off with ocd (like i said, this is based off research and friends i have with diagnosed ocd, but without having it myself i can't write it fully accurately)
> 
> it's currently one in the morning and i'm kind of tired so i'm going to post this and leave okay bye


End file.
